I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
