Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
