It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
