First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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