Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize