He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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