Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Let's paint friendship bongs
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
