I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
and i looked up. we had an audience...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
