Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
