I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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