i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
