I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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