i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's blow job season.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Randomize
