Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
