I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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