I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
What a dumb baby whore.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
