You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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