my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
