Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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