I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
