He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
