There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
