I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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