he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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