He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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