I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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