Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
