If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
