My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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