First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
