if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
