Define "chronic" masturbator.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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