Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
