God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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