I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
