My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize