Will you blow on my dice?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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