its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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