I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
