I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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