see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
