I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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