you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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