I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
