so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
