I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
