I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
