I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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