she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
