Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
