I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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