wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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