When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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