Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
