Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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