mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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