He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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