i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
