i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
